Good that feeling is back. This time I can put a face on the cause. Not that that makes it any better. Fuck, how do I escape this?

I don't think my speakers are loud enough to drown out the world, nor should I continue popping pills the way i have been, and besides it's way too early for that.... Help me.

It starts in the pit of my stomach. A sort of dread. A heavy twisting feeling. Bordering nausea. Then I feel tight in the chest. My throat contracts. And I start to feel light-headed and dizzy. My temples ache. My eyes start to water. And all he has said is he's going to have a few drinks with a mate. Which my paranoid mind have morphed into, I'm off to get pissed and have a great-time with people more interesting than you whom I'm going to fuck later and spoon with because that's infinitely better than being anywhere near you. You are boring and unattractive. 

You'd think after two years of being rejected I would be over this, and these symptoms wouldn't occur. I mean, any normal person would have given up by now. He's never going to change. Stop wishing that one day he'll just wake up and suddenly find the love of his life is you. The stupid bitch who's been waiting, doing everything in her power to make things easier and better for you. You might be married but that's an empty fucking institution. 

How do you stop feeling? Please, how do I numb myself? How do I accept that I don't belong in his life? How do I accept the fact that I am not wanted in his life?  

I made some notes while I was reading a book about Borderline Personality. The Swede asked if he could read it so I can't recall exactly what it was called because I have given it to him now. Anyhow, i figure the easiest way for me to go through my notes was to write them out and I figure I might share my musing least it might help someone else. 

Splitting. Good mother/bad mother. 3y/o Mum left. She said she would kill my brother if she stayed. I was playing dress-ups downtstairs. i very vaguely remember her going. dad followed her. First memory of feeling disassociated, like I wasn't me and this wasn't my family. I felt like Iw as irrelevant. She was leaving because of my brother and dad loved her and asked her to stay. We moved to get help for mum and my brother. I made us toast while they were gone. They didn't even think of me. 

Mostly I think this memory is over-dramatic. I doubt that any significance can be drawn from remembering the first time Mum opted to leave us. Also, I was three. What were they supposed to do? Consult me first? Explain that she couldn't cope with my brother? That she thought all the screaming would turn her into Oma (her mother, my grandmother)? She was so afraid of failing as a parent she thought we would be better off without her. I'm sure that I could have comprehended that then. I added a post script.

My good mum left that night. I've been waiting for her to come and rescue me. 2005 moved to B******E. 

Probably true. The moving thing was when she left us in 2005 (obviously) and she promised to take me with her. But I really didn't want to hurt my father by choosing between them so I told her I didn't want to change schools. I'm kind of glad I didn't, even though I had a rough time during school I wouldn't trade my private education for anything. 

Abuse? As a cause? Does living with an autistic sibling count as abusive? I may have been neglected by my parents but never technically abused. 

All BPD diagnosis suggest that the disorder stems from childhood abuse. I can't remember ever being abused as a child. EVER. I was forgotten a fuck load. OK, actually my brother was quite abusive. At his 21st my Mum actually cried during her speech saying she didn't think the family would see his birthday. She thought that he would have killed me by then. He's heaps better now. And I was sexually assaulted when I was seventeen but shit son, that happens all the time. 

Intimacy. Swede. threaten to leave. 

Yeah. I may have even done that once...

I have drunk excessively or used sleeping pills in order to forget painful memories/events. Have also tried to runaway from them. F****Y/F******S. Molly. L**** Hospital. 

Yeasss. That was fun. I tried this again on Sunday 11 December. More on that later. 

What damage did I do to myself working at U********S? March/April??

First time I over-dosed. I can barely remember what bought that on. Also I think I potentially did a fuck load of damage stripping. 

I can define my self using your name, then I know my place, because honestly I don't know where I would be without it. 

Sweden and I are married, ergo I have his last name. But damn, I don't even know the girl who had my name for eighteen years. And do I want it back? 

Mum. Full marching order. limitations on physical boundaries. 

Not going there tonight. 

Starving myself. Self-deprivation. Feel like I take up too much space. Extremely uncomfortable being passenger in a car. Most aware of my size/weight. 

I'm not fat. I'm 176cm and 68kg. I have a healthy BMI. By fuck do I feel obese in a car though. Unless I'm driving oddly enough.

Self-mutilation. What about evoking other people to hurt you?

I sometimes press buttons so that people will lash out at me violently.

Hold onto the Swede out of fear of being alone. Even if our relationship is empty or unbalanced. 

THIS IS TOO TRUE.

Suicide - All or nothing. Would not be around to endure the guilt of pain caused others. Control. dying without death. 

I think I identify with the last sentiment. It's validating your worth.

Need to google Mental Health Act. 

So they're my notes which I think I will take to my Psych next time I see him (next week).  Hopefully useful. I have another book to read on the subject. I hope the Swede does actually read it. 

I just had an epiphany about how I see everything in very black and white concepts. It's very cold and strangely without question. Eg, my parents have been very implicit about talking to people on the internet, chat-rooms and the like they see as extremely dangerous - you never truly know who you are talking to. I've never really had an interest and the funny thing is I remember my childhood friend Sez talking to a guy called Josh over the internet when we were about 13. i just thought it was ludicrous and I reacted very negatively towards him for the many years of their friendship. I realised I still do that to the Swede whenever he talks to people on fb he's never met. I think they're whores trying to use him or scam him. I wonder if I would be into online chatting if I hadn't been told anything about it? 

Also, the band Hawthorne Heights? Terrible. I can't believe how many of their CDs I own. Ergh. 

My Swede and I had dinner tonight in celebration of his gradings; he is now a blue singlet in Muay Thai which is his first one. I'm pretty proud of him. He works hard at it. I also bought myself new bedroom furniture and have moved out of his room into Hollands old one. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this to be honest. My gaysian friend at work was moving and so he didn't want any of his things and now I have them. New bed included. It was all pretty sudden. This is my first night by my self for a while. I felt so confused earlier. I really don't know how to progress from here. I think about him constantly. I was talking to a friend and she agreed that I would need to make a complete clean split from him. I don't think I'm strong enough for that. I told him so tonight. He said that we would always be together. That even if he was deported we would see each other again. He also mentioned nominating for adoption. Like to adopt a child. I seriously hope he was joking. No one in their right mind would let a BPD person adopt a baby. Fuck no. I'm so tired. I had 2 and a half hours sleep between Sunday morning and now, Tuesday morning. But I don't want to sleep. Overwhelming feeling of loneliness when I turn out the light. 

I have made a belated discovery today whilst perusing the news-feed on facebook. When status updates read 'Not even Celine Dion can cheer me up :'( ' and 'I wanna date with lonely boy' it dawned on me that I know too many gays. Potentially a good insight into why I have such an inferiority complex. Of course nobody will find you attractive: you're the wrong sex. Maybe Freud was on the money when he talked about Penis Envy. My god, I could slut it up if I was a boy. Sigh. Going to have a single ladies night out. And soon. Maybe on my wedding anniversary? That sounds fair.

I also feel pretty dizzy right now :s